It all started "innocently" enough. He used to sit me on his lap and read to me, and he'd massage my shoulders, and run his fingers through my hair.   The way he'd hold me made me feel warm and secure.   He'd tell me how pretty I was, and how much he wished he had a daughter like me (he had one son, a year older than me, who was my best friend until my family moved away so Dad could take a promotion).   He'd often have both his son and me on his lap to read to us.

He'd be running his one hand through my hair and his other hand would be rubbing his son's tummy.   One day he asked me if it was OK with me if he rubbed my tummy like he did his son's.   I had always been taught not to let anyone touch me where my body was covered with clothes, but I knew how much his son liked it, and I was curious, so I said it was OK.

He would routinely let his son romp around the house in just his underwear, and sometimes fully naked, which I found odd, because at my house we had a strict "cover up" mandate (I come from a strict, neo-puritanical born-again "Christian" household). Eventually he asked me to join in, and because I liked his back/tummy/chest rubs so much, I would also remove my shirt when I was over.

I never felt violated by this, firstly because he'd asked me if it were alright, and secondly because I'd liked it.   I really enjoyed the closeness and the feel of his fingers on my skin.   I especially liked how he played with my tiny little nipples, though I didn't understand at the time why that was ...

That's how our relationship always stayed, too.   He'd always ask me if it was alright for him to touch me a certain way, and when I'd say "no" (that only happened on two occasions, once where wanted to french kiss me, and once where he wanted me to "suck" him ... both of which I later wanted to try of my own accord), he respected it, and didn't ask again.

Our physical contact progressed from back/tummy/chest rubs to having him kiss my body and neck, to him rubbing my butt and thighs, to him masturbating me.   I was also physical with his son, touching, lying together, mutual masturbation, and the like.   Eventually things progressed as far as intercourse (my first time was at the age of 12, with his son, while he supervised, sort of guided us into how to be good lovers to each other).

My current boyfriend, who is a psychology major at the local university, now tells me that I should hate that neighbor and his son for "what they did to me", but I can't bring myself to do that.   I enjoyed the intimacy, the touching, the emotional bonding that occurred.   I was not "molested", I was a willing and active participant in the whole process, and I am not scarred in any way by what happened.   I am a happy, fulfilled, self-confident, self-respecting professional woman (I work as a legal assistant).   I am very comfortable with my body and with my sexuality, which I am convinced I would not be had it not been for that neighbor, since I would not have learned about my body and my emotions at home.   Sex was something that was just plain not discussed in my home.   My parents never even tried to have "the talk" with me!

Why should I feel guilty about the wonderful relationship I had with that man (and still have with his son ... we are no longer lovers, but are still close friends) right up until his death?   I enjoyed and participated fully in all that happened, and I can simply not bring myself to think of those things in any other way but with fondness.   What happened back then did not turn me into some kind of psycho- or socio-path.   I did not become a child molester because of what happened to me, as a matter of fact, I still find myself attracted to older men.   I dare say that my early sexual experience with my neighbor and his son did more good for me than any kind of harm, contrary to what the law and the media would have people believe.

Don't get me wrong, I know that there are monsters out there who rape children and scar them for life, and kill them.   The DA's office I work for has prosecuted several such cases.   We've also prosecuted several cases like mine, where nothing but loving tenderness was displayed by the defendant toward the child involved.

I think it is sad that such caring individuals as my neighbor should be lumped together with the most vile scum on the earth, simply because they gave a little girl like I was the opportunity to discover herself more fully than our screwed up laws say she is allowed to know herself.   I would not be the whole person I am today without him, and I miss him very much.

Thank you for letting me get that off my chest.   I'm glad that there's a site like this on the 'net where I can talk about this without fear of reprisal, without stigma, without being labelled as a "child molester" myself.

Sincerely,

Rachel - North America - Female - 21-29

Dear Rachel, and other AAS readers

This letter presents one of the most difficult issues we talk about on this site, and also presents an opportunity to explore a rarely-heard point of view about molestation.   To begin with, there is not ANY response we could give to this that would be satisfactory to everyone reading it.   It is fairly safe to say that people visiting this site would have a variety of opinions about this, ranging from very pleased to very upset and angry.   It is not our intent to upset anyone, nor do we wish to promote the idea of adult-child sex, but we DO want to take an open-minded and serious look at what Rachel is saying and feeling.

Before we get into the letter, we feel obligated to say that as of right now, we have no way of knowing whether the person writing the letter is who they claim be.   We're sorry if this hurts your feelings, Rachel, but unfortunately, SOME people would automatically discount your story, saying it was written by some pedophile somewhere having a fantasy and trying to justify his own sexual behavior.   That might be offensive to you, but unfortunately it is a negative reality that comes along with the many positive benefits of the Internet.  We are going to respond as though everything said is completely true, but feel obligated to make sure readers know of this possibility.

Since you are now an adult, we would welcome the opportunity to interview you for a more in-depth article (in which your identity would *NOT* be revealed under any circumstances).   If willing, you would need to contact me via email ( Webmaster@AllAboutSex.org ) to work out an email interview plan - your story might benefit others in similar situations, or who are also struggling with their inside feelings versus what the Psych's say they SHOULD be feeling.   Last, I often speak for the whole site, as a collective of common thoughts and opinions from different participants, but feel that on this issue, I should speak only for myself.   Other participants on this site may very well disagree with me and my point of view, and I do not want to claim to speak for everyone here.

It is up to you, of course, but you might not want to share this with your boyfriend, as he probably won't like my point of view.   I believe he is dead wrong to encourage you to be angry and to feel "victimized" by your neighbor, but I understand that he is most likely reacting the way he is being taught to react, which is most unfortunate.   We have done other articles about the currently popular and "politically correct" beliefs that all child sexual encounters are or were child sexual abuse, and that if the child doesn't feel "victimized", or "angry & hateful", or "traumatized" by the incident, then they must surely be "in denial", or are not really dealing with their past.   My belief is that this is strictly "hype" produced by a profession that did not even exist a few years ago.   Now this very young industry, the "child sexual abuse" industry, has invented a whole new type of child "victim", and I believe that at some point in the future our society will realize how much damage this new industry has done.  

One bit of good news lately is that more and more child psychologists and sexologists are speaking out against their own colleagues and taking them to task for doing more harm than good.   It is a similar issue with "repressed childhood memories" - memories that can only be identified and "remembered" by the psychologist, and there have been some very public trials lately where patients are going back and suing their psychologists for creating false abuse memories.   There is an interesting book out called "First Do No Harm" by a Dr. Goodyear-Smith, one of the original founders of the repressed memories theory, where she has come to recognize how terribly wrong the theory was and how many people were being harmed by it.   The title "First Do No Harm" comes from the Hyppocratic Oath that doctors take when they graduate med school, and the idea is that the first responsibility a doctor has to their patient is to NOT harm them more than they have already been (or are) harmed.  

Recently, I have come to know a child sexual abuse counselor who found my site and, much to my surprise, openly admitted that I was telling the sad truth about her industry.   In a recent discussion we had, she talked about her frustration with her office colleagues, saying how she hears them every day, fresh out of school, lecturing parents on all kinds of supposedly "inappropriate" sexual behaviors.   Behaviors that have long been recognized as very NORMAL childhood sexual curiosity and exploration are now being declared to be "child abuse".   Children getting caught engaging in NORMAL childhood "sex-play" are actually being arrested and charged with crimes - with abusing "each other", even!   Her own take on it is that these younger counselors lack the real-life experiences with children and sexuality that she has had in the thousands of REAL child sexual abuse cases she has handled.   Her wholehearted support of this site and what I am trying to accomplish with it has come as a bit of a surprise...    but a pleasant one!   You don't have to take my word for this, her comments about this site and issue do appear in a few places where you find comments about this website.   Her words of support and encouragement continue to mean a great deal to me.

So, although I think your boyfriend is quite wrong to try and convince you that you should be angry and hateful towards your neighbor, I'd say he is only responding as he has been conditioned to respond.   All the hype in the media about children, sex, teen pregnancy, teen violence, predators, child sex rings, and porn and the Internet only fuel the flames.   One day, I hope the majority of people will have figured this out, and I feel so, so bad for those that get caught up in the false theory.  

I want to make it clear that just like I don't believe that all childhood sexual experiences are "abuse", I fully understand and recognize that many of them are, in fact, VERY abusive.   I am curious, Rachel, to know whether you have read the article on this site called "MOLESTED: One Family's Story" ?   If not, it is very important that you do, for it demonstrates all too well what happens to children when put into this type of child sexual abuse "therapy".   It is one of the most powerful stories I've ever read and it is difficult not to cry while reading it, knowing that it is true and that the two brothers involved are FOREVER scarred and damaged by the so-called "therapy" and "the system".  

Regardless of whether or not you share these comments with your boyfriend, I would urge you to print the "MOLESTED:" out for him, and perhaps he could bring it up in his classes for discussion.   It may very well change the kind of therapist he becomes.   Your case is like the one in that story because in both there was absolutely NO NEED for the guilt and the pain of knowing you received pleasure and LIKED what happened even though the so-called "experts" want you to feel anger, rage and hate.   It is just plain wrong to take a child who has enjoyed a sexual experience, who welcomed the intimate contact and touch of another person, older or not, and make them into a hateful, angry person who now feels victimized.   If someone does not feel "victimized", why try to turn those good feelings into bad ones?   That is what your boyfriend is trying to do... take your GOOD, FOND memories and feelings, and turn them into hateful ones.   All in order to perpetuate this new "industry" of child sexual abuse counselors... at the expense of our nation's children.

Getting down to your situation in particular, I don't believe that your experience is all that uncommon - in fact, I think it happens much, much more than people realize.   However, because it was a POSITIVE experience and went undiscovered by others, and therefore not in "therapy", or reported to the authorities, it goes unnoticed by the "experts".   It is not surprising, therefore, that the "experts" have a screwed up perception of this issue...   they generally just see the "bad" instances.   I mean, have you ever heard of someone telling the police, or child protective services, or going into therapy about a GOOD or LOVING life experience?   Of course not.   So naturally, since that is all they see, they think that it is that way in every case.

The problem with that, however, is that it isn't the truth.   There is so much talk coming right now from the religious-owned political right-wing about sex and lying, and yet they are wrapped up in the biggest lie of all: that human beings are very sexual creatures who, if we are sexually healthy, crave, who need, sexual activity from our earliest days to the day we die.   And that we were not designed to be completely monogamous (having only one sexual relationship), rather, science, and sexology (the study of sexuality and sexual behavior), tells us that we are meant to initially have many sexual partners as we grow up, learning through sex role-play, experimentation with our peers, and learning from our parents.   The experimentation and sex-play would increase when the brain begins flooding our young bodies with a sea of hormones, preparing us for adulthood and procreation.   At some point after age 14 or 15 or so, our desires and wishes change and we begin to "pair off", selecting a long-term mate (but not usually a lifetime mate).   Some of the newest theories coming from sexologists is that in our lifetime we were designed to go through several repeats of the process I just mentioned, usually about 3.   If you think about it, this very much fits many people's lives.

Think about this for a minute... suppose there were no religions, or at least no religions teaching that sex is bad, or reserved for only one small segment of the world's population, a married male and female.   What would our sexuality be like?   Well, we actually have a number of cultures on our planet where this has occurred, mostly with uncivilized Amazon tribes, and with the very civilized culture throughout the South Pacific Rim.   In those cultures, children are not only allowed to be sexually active from early childhood on, but they are even encouraged and taught about it by adults.   In our culture, a parent accidentally walking in on a little boy and girl exploring each others bodies, or "playing doctor", too often reacts with horror and shock, usually causing at least some trauma to the children.   In these other cultures, the parent discovering the same scene is more likely to step-back, trying not to interrupt them, and perhaps keep watching, smiling and recalling their own early sexual "play".   They might even chuckle, and duck around the corner to get the other parent so they can both see, much the same way we might do when we see Junior take his first steps.

Anthropologists and sexologists who have studied these cultures extensively know that these cultures are the most peaceful, stable, non-violent and sexually healthy societies on earth.   We are learning more about ourselves everyday, and while I am religious myself, there is just so, so much about us that either directly contradicts traditional Christian or Muslim-based religions, or that cannot be explained (dinosaurs, for instance).   Perhaps one day we'll be able to bring together and reconcile our beliefs in a single Supreme Being and what we KNOW to be true about our sexual nature.   Only then can we hope to become a sexually healthy society.

Something that perhaps would benefit your boyfriend is to look at and understand what roll a person's mental attitude plays in first and early sexual experiences, and how it affects the way they recall and live the rest of their life.   It is so, so important, and yet rarely ever discussed or taught about.   Study after in-depth study is now telling us new things about sex, sexuality and adolescence, but America just doesn't want to listen.   Two books written recently revealed that those girls who had their first sexual experiences, or their first intercourse, and went about it considering it as a learning experience, or that this was a logical "next stage" of becoming an adult, those girls retained positive memories of it, even when under less than favorable conditions.   The girls who most regretted their experience fall into two categories - those who did it to "be cool" or because of "peer or boyfriend pressure", and those who did it "for love".

You seem to fall in the category where it WAS a learning experience, and, as you say, it helped you understand yourself and your sexuality better.   You have fond memories of this because no one MADE you feel bad about it, or tried to affect your attitude about it.   Since we know that attitude IS so important, why don't we do anything about it?   It is because we have been conditioned for so long now to see sex as a negative, traumatic experience that a girl eventually learns to like.   If you have any doubts about that conditioning, just read our page showing instructions to mothers in a 1951 issue of Cosmopolitan, where they gave a sort of mother and daughter talking scenario, and what the mother should say.   The mother was instructed to tell her daughter that:

"The sex act is often painful at first and not pleasurable at all....   Therefore if you have sexual intercourse at an early age you may be disgusted and frightened by it--and never marry."

With attitudes like this being taught for so many years, it is simply not going to be reversed overnight - but rest assured, it WILL one day be more accepted that it is not the age at which the first sexual experience occurred, it is the circumstances under which it occurred.   But for now, there is a wide berth between what one side of this issue (sexologists, scientists, people who have positive memories like yourself) says and what the other side of the issue (religious conservatives) says.   We are definitely not a sexually healthy society in America, but nature is doing what it can to correct the natural evolution of sex and sexuality.   Some of us believe that the reason we are seeing girls beginning to menstruate, grow body hair, develop breasts at a much earlier age is because nature is actually attempting to compensate for the many decades now of not allowing children to explore their sexuality in the way that nature intended.   The more the conservatives, feminists and "child crusaders" push to keep adolescents "little girls" much further into their teen years, as is very politically popular right now, the more Nature will try to compensate and maintain some sort of a balance.

One thing that kids reading this should know and try to understand is that there are 4 basic different ways people feel about sex and kids, and really, about sex in general.

First, there are those who feel that sex is primarily for the purpose of procreation, or populating the earth, and should only take place between a married male and female.   Some of those people do accept that sex is pleasurable and that it is a way to show your love for your one lifetime mate.   Today's current divorce rate, roughly 50%, should tell you just how invalid this idea really is.

Second, there are those who believe that sex serves a dual purpose in our lives, one being procreation and the other being an expression of love with whomever you choose as your mate, and that marriage doesn't really have that much to do with it.   They also believe that sex is something very special and almost "sacred", and ONLY to be shared with that one mate. This is probably the view held by most people in America.   Like in the first group, you can't ignore the divorce rate among Americans.

Next, there are those who believe that sex has a number of purposes in our lives, such as an expression of love and affection, procreation, of course, and a way to release stress and everyday strain.   Also, as a way to have FUN and to share pleasure with another human, be they opposite sex or same sex, and be they your lifetime mate, your current mate, or even just someone who appeals to you, sexually.   This group doesn't necessarily think kids should wait until marriage to begin having sexual relations with others, but they generally hold the idea that kids cannot possibly understand the complexities of love, pleasure and sex until they reach the magic age of 18.   At that age, they say the person can legally do what they want and it is nobody's business but their own.   They generally do not believe that kids under 18 should be doing too much, in terms of sexual behavior, but accept that certainly, older teens are going to be experimenting with it.   And certainly, no one under about age 13 or 14 would really be interested in having sex, or at least they shouldn't be, and that any pre-adolescent involved sexually with someone must surely be "abused".   That is also what seems to play well among the American population, politicians and the media.

The last category of people are those who look at sex and sexuality in a more logical, scientific way, usually without the influence of one particular religion or another.   They believe that sex really isn't about religion, rather it is simply the way we were designed to work (by God, or Nature, or whatever you believe).   Those people see sex and sexuality as part of us down to our very core of being - part of our very soul - and that it is one very important aspect of ourselves, if not the most important.   They understand that we are sexual beings from the day we are born to the day we die, and that our sexuality comes largely from the attitudes and experiences we see and have ourselves in the first 8-10 years of life.  They recognize that what happens to us in those years shapes our attitudes about sex and our bodies for the rest of our lives and therefore should be guided along, nurtured and encouraged, by our parents.   They feel that childhood sexual experiences are universal and cut across all cultures on earth.   Every society has different ways of dealing with childhood sexual feelings and experiences, but they ALL must deal with it because it is, in the simplist of terms, a major part of every human being.

If more people took this last attitude, what would our society be like?   Would there be more "bad" people?   Would there be more public violence?   Would we become an even MORE sexually unhealthy society?   These are all good questions to ask ourselves, especially if we want to be in that last category, or to at least take a hard look at what we DO believe.

One of the consequences of ignoring our children's natural sexuality, and actively discouraging them from exploring their natural curiosities about their bodies, their sex organs, and the bodies of their peers, is that we force them to go elsewhere if that curiosity and natural drive is a strong one.   And remember, everyone is not the same, sexually, and many people are naturally more sexual than are others, and that is usually goes way back into their early childhood.   Sometimes that drive is born of their own inner curiosities, and other times it is a result of opportunity, as it was with you.   I don't know your neighbor, obviously, and I don't know that his intent was "honorable", but it is good that he allowed you to make your own decisions about participating.   Your consent to participate, and your desire to enjoy what his son was enjoying, along with it being done in a loving, caring manner, does, in my opinion, make a difference in whether it was right or wrong.

We can argue for days about a child not being able to consent to sexual relations, and a large portion of Americans would say that it is impossible for a child to truly "consent" to sex.  I believe that to be a purely legal argument and that it is just an excuse for people NOT to have to really look at the issue.   It is just so much easier for people to stay on the surface of a controversial issue like this, and to never take an in-depth and honest look at it.   If a pre-adolescent child knows about sex - what it is and how it works - and has also been taught to be confident in their own sexuality - their own desires and feelings - and taught that there are risks with many enjoyable things in life, and that sex is no different, then they can, in my opinion, make a decision about whether the sexual attention or situation is really wanted by them. By being sexually confident about themselves, they can also more easily decipher the confusing feelings they may have when they find themselves in a sexual situation.   They can more easily declare that the attention or situation is unwanted and will know that they do **NOT** have to participate unless forced, and that they need not fear telling their parents about it if something like that does happen.   Talking about sex often in the home opens up a door of communication that will play a major role between parent and child later on, when it can really be important.  

Another benefit of being open and encouraging of our children's sexuality is that we could teach very early on that they must take precautions when they do decide, at a later time, to become sexually active.   We already know that if children learn something at an early age that they are more likely to retain it and incorporate those teachings into their daily lives.   So, if we taught our young children about safe sex practices, and we set down boundaries about their own sexual exploration (boundaries that would progressively increase with more maturity), I think that they would automatically incorporate condoms and other safe-sex practices into their behavior throughout the rest of their life.   Of course, a lot of people would disagree with me and claim that I am either crazy, or at least "way out there".   What do YOU think?   As I have said before, I am just one person stating opinions and trying to teach that there are a wide variety of viewpoints when it comes to sex, not just the one portrayed by the news media, our religious leaders, and our politicians.   Readers can take my opinions and theories, or they can leave them - it is up to each one.

I think that your situation was a good one, and that you were a lucky girl to know the comfort and enjoyment that can come from another person's touch.   I'm glad you had a positive experience, and I very much agree with what you said about not wanting to feel guilty... and I hope you never do feel bad or guilty about it.   People need to learn that touching, cuddling, caressing and holding are truly part of our inner needs.   People are learning more about that these days, as they learn that the lack of touch and lack of intimacy during early childhood causes all kinds of problems when those children grow up.   Many of us believe that the level of violence in our society is directly related to the lack of intimacy that bonds children to both their mother and their father.   That's why they call it "detachment syndrome" when children grow up without a conscience, without regard for life, or the guilt you and I feel that keeps us from doing things that hurt others.   They become "detached" from their conscience, their sense of right and wrong, and this allows them to kill and hurt others so easily.   It is the early childhood abuse and neglect that causes this.

I think it was natural for you to learn from those feelings and I agree that they may very well have shaped who you are today.   I don't think what happened in your case is "right" for every child, and I don't think we should have a world where children and adults interact, sexually, all the time.   It is clearly not "right" for everyone, and what happened in your case may be the exception rather than the rule.   I don't mean to encourage adult-child sexual contact, but I *DO* want to encourage people to consider the entire situation, consider the circumstances under which the sexual contact occurred, and who might have initiated it, before making a judgment about it being "right" or "wrong".   Most of all, they should consider how the child feels about the experience they had - did they feel coerced, or pressured to do something they did not want to do?   Were they ever threatened if they were to tell someone? Were they told to keep this a secret from their parents, or did they keep it from their parents for their own reasons?   Did they WANT the sexual attention they received, or were they merely giving in to someone elses wishes?

You see, it isn't the "black or white" situation that the child sexual abuse industry is trying to paint, and if the child does not feel "victimized", then it is IRRESPONSIBLE and wrong to try and teach them that they were.   If they feel good about those experiences and have fond memories, how does making them feel guilty and victimized, and angry and "damaged", benefit them?   The truth is that it doesn't benefit the individual, but it DOES benefit those making a living from this kind of therapy and relying on child victims for their career.   The more child "victims" in "therapy", the more therapists and counselors that are needed.   That is the ONLY simple thing about this.

Please don't let your boyfriend turn you into a "victim" if you don't feel like one now.   He should take your story as undenialbe, living proof that there CAN BE positive relationships like yours, and that the real danger involved is an industry going unchecked and convincing people to feel pain where they did not feel pain before.   Maybe he can take a look at all of this, and read the "MOLESTED" story I mentioned, and learn from it, and decide that he wants to be one of the psychologists who tries to turn his industry around into a positive one.

Since I know that my opinion is not a popular one, and may even piss some people off, or at least upset them somewhat, I invite anyone with an opinion to submit it.   If it is a reasonable one, with a good presentation of their points, I'll include it here even if I don't agree with it.

SPEAK YOUR MIND!

Read the article "MOLESTED: One Family's Story"