Time marches on. Things change. Some of what I have written here on this site is a year old. Most of it is approaching six months old. I hate to throw anything away. I have seen so many wonderful stories told this last year, that I wish could be saved for future generations of boys and boylovers. Most of them have slipped off the end of chatboards after days or weeks, or have disappeared from the web due to disinterest on the part of the host, or outright attack by the "forces of evil" (the supposed protectors of children).

Other resources and participants have appeared, and the internet has grown in size to the point where we are all having to redefine just what it is we are trying to accomplish, and how best to go about it. Yet I still wish there was a truly permanent archive for all the wonderful stories, studies, and revelations that will help today's and tomorrow's visitors as much as they helped me and the boylovers I have known this last year. Alas, most of the authors don't consider what they have written to be of any serious merit, and I'm afraid that much of it is lost forever.

There have been changes in my own life as well. My best friend and mentor J, that I have talked about so much in the past, has been asked to move away, by some folks who have returned to town, and hold against him something that they all did a generation ago. In order to prevent unhappiness in his family, as well as the prospect of these folks trying to force him out, he has picked up and started a new life elsewhere. It's not been easy for him, at his age, but all seems to be well now. We are still in touch all the time via e-mail, as I am with so many other friends online. I didn't think it would be the problem for me that it has been. Our relationship was primarily intellectual, and all of my training has been aimed at the time when I would be more independent. Neither of us saw this coming, yet J had the wisdom not to allow me to lean on him. He is my teacher, not my lover. The sex was only what I wanted, when I wanted, and always aimed at pleasing me. Nothing more. I can never begin to know that value that J has had in my life. He has saved my life. He has taught me to function in a hostile world, and to transcend whatever difficulties are thrown in my path.

I have managed to stay online with a little help. I feel a different sense of purpose than I did last year. I have had to restrict the number of e-mail friends I can treat fairly to a reasonable number. I want to do more, write more, but there is no time. My schoolwork is still, thanks to a backwards school system, not a great burden on me, and I must assume the responsibility for my own education myself. Yet with hardly more than a year left until I can start college, I do need to pay attention to my studies. My brothers don't demand quite as much of my time anymore, though I still want to make sure that I have time to be the best brother I can to Kevin. I have found a few friends. With the exception of 12-year-old Garrett (who is on the web with an XT computer!), my friends are nothing very exciting. And I still have not reached the point in the aging process where I forget everything important in life in favor of a silly air-headed teenage female. I find a few physically attractive, but I would much rather find an older woman (you know, old, like 20) that has a little intelligence and maturity. And none of them seem to be falling all over me yet. Oh well.

So after an unexpected minor depression (confusion), I am getting a new start with a better grasp of what I can accomplish and what is beyond me. I feel a strong need to publish (on the web) my thoughts, collections of others' thoughts, links and resources that can help other kids, and try to be a benefit to those who wish to read about things from my perspective. I cannot change the world. And complaining about it isn't going to help. Ignorance is bliss, they say, and the whole world seems to be firmly against children developing into intelligent, resourceful, independent adults. All the beautiful concepts I learned in school about freedom, society, goodness, and integrity were all lies. The only course of action is to address the kids, and perhaps those who are around the kids and truly care about their development. It is useless to treat the gullible, superstitious masses as intelligent, concerned players in this effort. In order to have an effect on the youth, it is necessary to deal with the youth. Unfortunately, this often means that parents, who should be equally concerned with the education of their children, are cast as an enemy. I really regret this, but their actions speak for themselves. I believe in "family values", unless these values are hatred, intolerance, bigotry, and irresponsibility.