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When I was younger (around 7 or 8), I was baby-sat by a neighbor who lived across the street. She was a friend of the family (although I didn't know her very well). I believe she was around 16-17, and was friends with a cousin of mine who was a lot older. I have a brother
who is a few years older than me as well.
Anyways, my parents didn't want my brother and I to be alone for the night, so she agreed to help us out with our dilemma and babysit.
She came over that night, and it started off normally enough until she wanted to start playing a game with us. We agreed and went into the bedroom, stripped down, and engaged in a few sexual acts (but lord knows at 7 years old you can't do much).
I don't remember too many more of the details about the act (just a lot of sucking), but I told my mom and dad about it and their reaction
was total insanity! They went insane! They didn't punish the girl, but they gave her a good cursing for it and told her grandmother about it!
I enjoyed the act but that part wasn't pleasant at all, seeing as how my parents were so upset about their son's having been "abused."
I have had sex at ages after that, one memorable time... but after I hit my teens, I stayed away from females for fear of being "abused" again, or that's what the T.V. shows and my parents were calling it. I wasn't scared of masturbation, my friend was giving me tips about it... but despite several passes by other females (d'oh!), I refused them with either a dumb comment or totally skipping out on them.
One of the worst parts of my sexual repression came from my junior year of high school when my drawing book full of erotic colorings
was "lost" in a math class and found by a total stranger and his friend! I left it in there and went to the next class when I discovered it was missing! The guy and his friend walked up to me and teased me about it brutally. I almost died of embarassment although I kept a
straight face in front of them. By the end of the day, the whole male track team knew about it and gave me the loving nickname "Porn-dog!" Although I always suspected, none of my friends talked about the infamous nudies.
Most recently, my father died a few months ago. I think back to almost everything that had happened to me, especially the "abuse," all the things that could have been if that didn't happen. I thought about the bad feelings about sex I felt throughout the years, feeling anger and wishing that my parents had told me about sex and how it worked, saving me from the confusion I've felt in these short ten years. I was
sheepish around my younger cousins, telling them that I was "abused" by my babysitter. I've seen counseling about losing my dad, but also considered seeing someone about my sexual "abuse",
to see if they could make sense of it.
After reading your wonderful site, I now see why I felt so much confusion and anger at myself for not understanding what happened,
twisting the story around and not coming to my own decisions about situations that happened so many years ago. How could I have
understood if my parents didn't tell me? I realized that feeling sexual urges by someone older than you isn't a bad thing and that sex isn't bad either. I laugh at myself for calling someone doing me a favor like that "abuse" and that if I had shown a little guts in front of my friends I could have drawn more art to show off my talent!
Thank you for helping me deal with my outstanding confusion, and I truly hope that others like myself can appreciate what All About Sexis all about: education. Keep up the good work, AAS! :)
Porn-Dog - North America - Boy - 17 - 20
Your story does stir a lot of mixed emotions, myself included, and it is difficult to think of what the babysitter did as being "right", or a "good" thing. At the same time, we weren't there to know if this was a devious plan staged out by the babysitter specifically intent on having a sexual experience with you, or if this was a situation where sexual curiosity and a little sexual play with the babysitter got out of hand (no pun intended). Many people would say that it doesn't matter HOW it happened, and that there is no question that the babysitter was completely at fault, but we can't really go along with that popular thought. We feel that the circumstances of the situation *DO* matter - in fact, that they matter a great deal! And that the entire situation, the feelings and perception of the event by the child, any physical coersion or deception/trickery involved, and the circumstances of how it happened ALL should be taken into consideration by parents, by child welfare/CPS, by the authorities and courts, and by any therapists involved. The entire set of circumstances should be considered and are what should drive whatever is done about it, if anything at all. Of course, we are not saying that it is EVER "ok" or "right" to make another person, of ANY age, do something sexual that they don't wish to do, nor is it ever right to try and "trick" them into doing sexual things. But that said, sometimes NOT making a huge deal out of an event might be what is REALLY in the child's best interest, and enforcing "the law" or punishing someone should come SECOND, not first.
Lets take your situation, for instance. What if your parents had reacted calmly and carefully to your telling of your activities with the babysitter and had sat the two of you down and made sure that you both knew how much they disapproved of what she did. Maybe they would have even told you it was wrong for her to do, but that they understood that you might have liked the experience (also depends on how you told them), but that it was not acceptable behavior in our society, and that she is not to do anything like that to you ever again. Oh yes, and that they would find a new babysitter for you. Would you have remembered this incident in a completely different way? Perhaps even fondly?
Or consider an even wilder possibility - what if you had not told, and what if you grew up getting quite a little education from the older babysitter and had great memories of the time you spent with her? Others on this site have stated that this is what happened to them and that they feel they learned a great deal about themselves and their sexuality at the hands of a significantly older lover, and that they don't feel bad or guilty about it at all. You even intimated at the end that you have wondered what fun you might have had rather than the years of going around announcing that you were an "abused" child (why do we always have to label everyone?). Something else that we noticed was where you expressed anger at yourself for
We quite agree that if your parents had educated you about sex and prepared you for sexual experiences you might have in childhood that you could have made your own decisions about what you wanted to do and what you didn't want to do. We believe that kids CAN make choices about who they share intimacies, sexual exploration, and engage in sex-play with if parents make sure their child knows about sex and sexual feelings, and has established sexual boundries for their sex-play, should it occur. Assuming that their child knows nothing about sex, and has no need to know, and that they aren't likely to have any sexual experiences in their childhood is a big mistake. In some ways, parents these days need as much sex education as do the kids.
One last note is that we are wondering if you still express yourself with erotic artwork? If so, and you have some in electronic format, we would enjoy seeing your work. Who knows, we may even get brave enough one of these days to host erotic artwork by teens on this site. Maybe.
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or
Revised Thinking About Former Sexual Experience
I'm a seventeen-year-old male writing to your great site after reading the stories on getting caught while masturbating. While I found the ones where everything turning out okay humorous, I thought about the ones like Stacy's story and the abuse from her mother, wondering about my own feelings of confusion and anger towards sex. I've been grappling with this issue for a few months after I told it to my friend
over the net, and we even had a crying session (screaming on my end) to try and help ease my confusion.
Hey "Porn-Dog" -
It is great that you can joke now about the funny nickname given you by your peers, and it is great that you feel that this website was helpful to you in sorting out those issues. We have been hearing from adults and teens who had a sexual experience early in their childhood, often with an adult, and who feel that greater harm was done to them by their parent's reaction, or at the hands of the prosecutors and "child-savers", than was actually done by the experience itself. Like yourself, they struggle to understand why society, their parents, the "authorities" and the therapists all insist that they were victimized or traumatized by the sexual event rather than the reaction to it by the adults. Parents need to realize that they can make or break a child's life-long feelings about sex and sexuality by how they deal with even a single sexual event, and that the child may struggle with the results of that reaction for the rest of their life.
"not understanding what happened,
twisting the story around and not coming to my own decisions"
We're kinda thinking that maybe you have really been angry with yourself all this time because you told, and by telling (we got the impression you weren't complaining, only talking about what happened because you didn't know it was such a forbidden thing - but we could be wrong) you feel that you have brought this all on yourself. If so, that is a pretty understandable feeling, from our point of view. Either way, we're glad that you have NOW decided to take a humorous attitude, and that you are feeling better about your situation. No one can go back and erase the past, but we can learn from those experiences and the experiences of others, and we can decide how WE would handle educating our own children about sex when we start to raise a family.
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