As an 18 year old girl I would like to offer you guys some of my experiences and feelings from when I was a little girl(remember it wasn't that long ago). Since everyone is different I cannot speak for all girls but maybe give you insight that isn't available to you anywhere else on the net. At five, (as far back as I can rememeber) I viewed the world as if I were the only one living in it,so I didn't care so much about what anyone else thought, but when the family friends son walked in on me masturbating at 5 I was embarrased not because of what he would have thought of me, but because he had walked in on something very personal to me,I felt it was too good to share. I remember feeling pride that I had something special that my older sister did not(she probably did and I just didn't know it).
Watching my parents having sex, 'accidentally' finding their porn magazines, watching sex scenes on movies and observing how adult couples acted throughout my life had my mind wanting and ready for sex very young. And subconciously it was with a man I assumed I would be having sex with since I only knew men and women did it together, not boys. I suppose this is why I developed strong attractions towards older men very young.
Being a very developed 12 year old, I not only looked older but could play the part also. I attracted many teens and young men, which my parents did not care about. Sex was not forbidden in my home because my parents were not there to forbid it, they were always worried about their problems.
I did not(still don't) have a religion or know a loving adult but I wasn't poor(which some might assume if I didn't write it). I yearned for at least someone to hold me, hug me, kiss me. Damn I just wanted someone to really see that I was there. I think my cute new neighbor saw this, that I was always alone in the house. I remember alot of guys stayed with him from time to time(come to think of it I was stupid to think it was all his, it was a frat house I suppose). I guess he was just starting the university, so he could have been anywhere from 17 to his early twenties. Of course I had a crush on him, I crushed on every guy around me, its funny now actually. I was so excited when he invited to pay me for finishing his laundry one day. Then from there on I took every chance I could to be at his house. I flirted with him every chance I could(even though I did not know it had a word).
There was no romance in this relationship, well at least from his part there wasn't. He did not hug me or hold long conversations with me, but I did not care. I just took what little he gave me. For the most part my imagination had taken control of my life, I had no way to release my feelings except for daydreaming. I fantasized about having sex with him all day, ha humping is more the word. I did not really understand where what went where, noone had bothered to tell me about my girl parts deep inside nor that I would bleed which when I did I was more paniced than ever, almost walking myself to the hospital because I thought I was hurt really bad(hadnt started menstrating yet).
It hurt like hell , I had not acted at all like my mom did when she had sex. I laid there stiff and motionless. I suppose he thought I would enjoy it, because we had talked about having sex before, I rather enthusiac about losing my virginity. He sensed my shock, he sensed that I did not know what I should have been told, after only seconds which felt like minutes he stopped. We went back to being friends and acted as if it didn't happen.Our relationship only ended when I moved away.
I said before that I was ready in my mind, true, but my body was not readybecause of what I did not know.Someone should have told me, my family should have not ignored the possibility of me having sex. I realized that they did not care enough to ever prepare me for life, sex being in my opinon at the time the most important aspect of life. The pain I felt was not a problem, It was the shock that noone told me such an important thing that I had a problem dealing with. Sex can still be just a painful as it was that afternoon right now at 18. I have never regreted it, I have no reason too. I just hope that he doe not feel guilt about something that was my fault, I had already learnt that lying would get me in trouble many times before. Hah and I still have not learnt my lesson, just last week I lied on a job application about having a high school diploma, which can hurt me more than losing my virginity the way I did.
So don't ever assume that they know even if they act like they do, because we all lie no matter what age. Do not mistake innocence and beauty with all of their words, there may just be an hidden intention behind them, they can manipulate you with sexy lies like I did. Now I see that it is unfair to men if the sex is consensual but still get locked up for it. I should have been the one punished instead of him if we were caught, he did not hurt me, if anything I hurt him.I am angry at myself for being so ignorant all those years, thinking that even though it was against the law it was okay because I thought it was okay. I did not know that laws would be useless if everyone were to brush them off as I did.
They say that I am not mature enough to have had sex at 12, They still say I cannot drink, house my own shelter, pay a phone bill, own my own car and where I'm from I am just legal to use a tanning bed... But what if my 12 year old self had commited a murder? They'd rush to say I was old enough and deserved to be treated as an adult, but why would I get responsiblity now? Why is a child responsible enough to kill but not enough to have sex? But when I bring up this topic in real life I am looked at even more like a little girl.
Damn hypocrits.
And by the way losing my virginity to a young man did not 'mess' me up on his part, parents can do more damage to their children than anyone else. But remember all this is just me, I cannot truly speak for all little girls.
Be Gentle and kind no matter age.
Fairy
Disclaimer: The viewpoints expressed here are those of the author alone and their publication here does not imply agreement or endorsement by Puellula/HFP.